My life with J.

J. and I were on and off for five years straight. It was debilitating and an emotional whirlwind and also an emotional destructive hurricane. I found this entry about me and J. first getting together. The hope and infatuation shows such an iconic first love experience. Who knew that would have even happened?

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We have such a weird and extensive history that it's so strange to end up in a relationship.

I remember meeting that dumbie during Orientation 2008. He was drunk of course. I still maintain that he was hitting on me, because I'm pretty sure he got my number that night hahaha.

We somehow became friends over sophomore year. I guess it helped that we were in GenChem and Calc together. We studied together, ate together, and totally just hung out.

I guess I was attracted to him from the get-go. But, I mean, he was a freshmen and he dabbled like freshmen do. Plus I didn't think he would want me.

But when he told me he wanted to get together in April of that year, I was basically stunned. Like someone stabbed an electrical wire into my head. I could barely speak. But at the time, unfortunately, I was involved with someone else so I ran off.

In the end, I don't think I could have been with J. that night even if I chose to blow off the other person. The other dude messed me up and it took a full year to finally be able to be with J.

I barely saw J. first semester junior year. Like barely ever. He was pledging the drug frat that was offcampus so I didn't really get to see him til second semester.

Ugh, then second semester, I started drunk texting him in the beginning because I did want to hook up with him.

Then I found him one night and went to go see him. I realized that night that all we were gonna be were friends. And that was fine.

But the night of my roommate's birthday after drinking a bit, I wanted to go visit him. So I went, and ended up in his arms hah.

Like literally. He had me cradled in his arms. Then he kissed me. He finally kissed me after TWO years of waiting. We were kissing on the couch of his suite where anyone could walk in. So of course, I freak out and push him away.

Then we talked. I said that we never talked about that night after April last year. I told him I was sorry and that I made the wrong decision. And he said that his feelings haven't changed. So of course, my response to that had to be 'Welp, I'll stay for a bit then'. SO awkward. But he said 'I'm so incredibly happy right now'. Aaaaaaaaaand we proceeded to make out on his couch.

But before we got too far, I stopped him thank goodness. I told him I had to go to bed, but he could come if he didn't try anything. And of course he did. But I basically slapped his hands away and we cuddled for the rest of the night.

In the morning, he got up first and left. But before he left, he kissed me goodbye. I guess I was more than a little stunned cause I had to recollect everything when I woke up.

The only person I told that day was C, and I didn't know what to do. I was so confused on whether I actually wanted him or if I just needed the company that night. I didn't want to lead the poor boy on.

I saw him later that day, with his boys, but I just patted his head and walked back to my dorm. So awkward. But that was funny awkward.

I basically ignored his booty call that night by telling him I was getting ready for bed. The next day I evaded him too.

But that night, I got drunk again and booty texted him. I basically made him walk all the way across the city. Only to say hello and walk back to the dorm with another guy friend. I knew I was being the biggest bitch/tease/trick. So when he texted me telling me that we should at least talk about that night, I was like yeahhhhh come over.

He came over and I was making my bed, like a weirdo. I told him that I was interested in him, but I didn't want to lead him on with anything because he seemed so sure of his feelings when I was trying to figure out mine.

J said that we could never be too sure of anything, so why don't we just try things out, and I agreed. That night was the first night of our relationship. April 3.

From then on, it was so different. J turned out to be so different than what I thought. He's wonderful. He is obviously way more experienced than I am, and never rushed me. He's been patient and accommodating to me and my crazy, especially when I had my freak-outs. He listens. He's so completely opposite of me. He's so rational and reasonable. He's gentle and forthright about his feelings. He's fun and crazy and unpredictable. But really predictable at the same time. He's a complete slob but so neat. He's such a kid but feels completely capable making adult decisions. He understands his future but totally indulges in the present. He makes me blush. He's absolutely wonderful. And I want to be with him. Plus I think he's cute.

Basically I'm writing this to remind myself over the summer why I wanted and want to be his girlfriend. Four weeks of the summer have passed, and there are still ten left. But I'm already wavering. It's not because he's doing anything wrong. Not at all. We've been skype-ing, texting, e-mailing, facebooking, gchatting every day since we said bye to each other. It's more of how I forget about why I'm so attracted to him, and why I wanted to be in a relationship with him when I never wanted to with anyone else.

Hopefully this helps, cause August is a long way away.

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First love is amazing. How could I have thought he was that wonderful? Why didn't I listen to my instincts?

I feel like I am wavering now with P. Is it because my relationship with J was so disastrous or because I actually don't want to be with P?

New Relationships, New Starts

It's been awhile since I've written on this blog. I broke up with J. and started a new relationship with P.

I had a summer internship in New York and met P. via OkCupid in August. As soon as I met him, I know he was something special. However, I had to go back to graduate school in late December.

We've been together 9 months now and it's been a roller coaster. These last five months alone have been long distance and very very difficult. Now we're at the point where I have to decide whether or not I am going to move to New York. P. said he can't continue doing long distance for much longer and he really wants me there in the city with him. But at the same time, he says he doesn't want to hold me back.

What am I going to do?

Do I make the jump and try and find a job here in Manhattan so that I can try and have a fulfilling professional life while continuing my relationship with P.?

Or do I take a hold of my own individuality and refuse to move for a relationship? Do I love him enough?

All the while, I have Florence + the Machine's "Shake It Out" playing in the background.

It's always darkest before the dawn...

Crazy, Stupid Love,: Real Life Version

When selecting Crazy Stupid Love for a movie night, I thought the title had it right. Love is crazy and love is stupid. The first five seconds of the movie showed Steve Carrell’s wife telling him that she wants a divorce and that she slept with someone else. Bravo, I say! Good job, Mr. Director, for showing what the real world is like. Then OF COURSE, Carrell becomes a sort of middle-aged Casanova, who is instructed by a banging hottie who is also known as Ryan Gosling. Gosling teaches him how to get sex and everyone is seemingly happy. Because sex makes the world go round.

But wait. All of a sudden the movie shifts. Gosling falls in love with a smart attractive woman played by MY FAVORITE ACTRESS Emma Stone. The playa gets shot down. And Carrell realizes that he still loves his wife.

While in this depressed stage of being dumped by J., I want to hate this movie. P. told me that he loved me, and then proceeded four months later to tell me that he didn’t want me in his life. So yeah, I’m more than willing to believe that sex, not love, makes the world go round (along with money), and that love is merely a delusion which keeps people from committing suicide. What this movie is telling me is that love does exist. Should I believe it?

I guess that what J. said was love, wasn’t actually love. While he said that he loved me, he was still only looking out for himself. Which explains how, when he got a job offer, he saw me as something that held him back rather than supported him as I have done for this past year and a half.

Did I love J.? I think I did. I don’t think that on an emotional health and maturity level that I am ready for a long-term relationship slash pre-engagement. I still think I loved him though…I would have gone with him all the way if he would let me. He didn’t though and that’s something that I’m going to have to live with.

He’ll be fine, I’m sure.