Crazy, Stupid Love,: Real Life Version

When selecting Crazy Stupid Love for a movie night, I thought the title had it right. Love is crazy and love is stupid. The first five seconds of the movie showed Steve Carrell’s wife telling him that she wants a divorce and that she slept with someone else. Bravo, I say! Good job, Mr. Director, for showing what the real world is like. Then OF COURSE, Carrell becomes a sort of middle-aged Casanova, who is instructed by a banging hottie who is also known as Ryan Gosling. Gosling teaches him how to get sex and everyone is seemingly happy. Because sex makes the world go round.

But wait. All of a sudden the movie shifts. Gosling falls in love with a smart attractive woman played by MY FAVORITE ACTRESS Emma Stone. The playa gets shot down. And Carrell realizes that he still loves his wife.

While in this depressed stage of being dumped by P., I want to hate this movie. P. told me that he loved me, and then proceeded four months later to tell me that he didn’t want me in his life. So yeah, I’m more than willing to believe that sex, not love, makes the world go round (along with money), and that love is merely a delusion which keeps people from committing suicide. What this movie is telling me is that love does exist. Should I believe it?

I guess that what P. said was love, wasn’t actually love. While he said that he loved me, he was still only looking out for himself. Which explains how, when he got a job offer, he saw me as something that held him back rather than supported him as I have done for this past year and a half.

Did I love P.? I think I did. I don’t think that on an emotional health and maturity level that I am ready for a long-term relationship slash pre-engagement. I still think I loved him though…I would have gone with him all the way if he would let me. He didn’t though and that’s something that I’m going to have to live with.

He’ll be fine, I’m sure.

The Hunt for the Clitoris

Recently, my friend told me about a man she hooked up with this past weekend. Valerie was into this dude for a while now and we were all excited that she finally got with him. Unfortunately, the hook-up was sub-par because of a very simple reason.

He did not know where the clitoris was.

Okay, now everyone take a pause for a second.  Now let’s rewind.

In an age where pornography is a click away on your computer and that sexual education in all schools seems to at least cover anatomy, how is it that men seem to still be finding trouble finding the clitoris??

Really though, there are only two things in that area: a vagina – which really is just a glorified hole – and the clitoris – which is more or less the key to every woman’s orgasm. Even though I am a woman and I was born with this anatomy myself, I just don’t see an excuse for not knowing where the clitoris is. The only thing I can think of is if this man was a virgin. Even then….educate yo’self.

Here’s where the story gets even more tricky. The dude previously had a long-term girlfriend.

Now, I’m going to try and not make any assumptions here. OH….too late.

His previous girlfriend either:

1. Had a clitoris in a different place…(surrrrre.)
2.  Did not have a clitoris. (Entirely possible – given how when babies are born with ambiguous genders, doctors tend to cut something off)
3. Never told her man where her key to good feelings, lights and happiness was.

Woman. If it turns out the Assumption #3 is the correct interpretation, then that’s a problem. When having a sexual relationship with a man, I believe that it is important to think about your pleasure as well. A relationship needs to be symbiotic – if the man is the only one getting off than the relationship tends to become parasitic. Men as parasites…who knew!?

All in all, it seems as if The Hunt for the Clitoris continues on through 2012. Men – if you find the mythical Clitoris – inform all your male counterparts and let the whole world know! Shout it from the rooftops for all I care.

Before you do though, check with your best girl friend.... just to make sure you have it right.